“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” Fred Rogers

I finally watched “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” inspired by the 1998 article “Can You Say…Hero?” by Tom Junod published in Esquire. When I heard about the movie back in 2019, I wanted to see it. I watched Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood when I was a child. As an adult, any reference to Mister Rogers automatically puts a smile on my face, and watching the movie was no different. The movie is filled with inspiring reminders of how we can feel a little better about navigating through life. And the movie inspired me to find a way to tackle my emotional load.

I’ve been experiencing a flood of emotions over the last several weeks. I’ve grown tired of the news highlighting the death of another black person at the hands of those who swore to protect and serve. And honestly speaking, I haven’t given much thought to how I feel concerning the lives that were taken from being hung from a tree. Why? Simply because I lacked the energy to do so. Furthermore, the idea that the acts are being classified as self-murder is mind-boggling.

I don’t know whom to trust. I realize we shouldn’t put any confidence in the flesh, but it would be nice not to question the validity of a seemingly kind word or gesture. Once a breach of trust transpires it is difficult to repair it—and it is even harder for those of us with trust issues. I fear to lose my loved ones to hate, violence, or natural causes. And I long for a deep and caring embrace to reassure me that everything will be okay, which can’t happen due to social distancing.  

I revisited something I started writing over a year ago in hopes to finalize it into an encouraging and inspiring read. As I read it, the words felt like an unauthentic run-on cliche until I got to the last paragraph.

“When I look at myself, I see a strong, sexy, beautiful, intelligent, talented, admired, adored, blessed, treasured, and loved woman…”

Diary of a Stylish Buxom Beauty

When I read the above statement, I realized I couldn’t honesty self-identify with all of those descriptors in my current state.

I experienced something a month ago that persuaded me to deny a few of those adjectives I used to describe myself a year ago. My response to the experience birthed thoughts and feelings of anger, anxiety, disappointment, fear, frustration, inadequacy, resentment, and sadness.

These feelings and thoughts had been swarming around in my head for quite some time, and they were accompanied by more emotions related to a global pandemic, racism, and the general occurrences of life. Carrying all of these thoughts and feelings is tiring. So, I decided to take an emotional dump.

I wrote all of the words related to how I’ve been feeling. Then I wrote the event or thought I had relating to each word. Below are three excerpts from my journal demonstrating what I did.

• Fear…Every day I fear the deaths of my parents. I know it is a part of life, but it scares me immensely. I don’t want to be without them. If they fall asleep while I’m with them, I find myself watching them to make sure they haven’t stopped breathing. 
• Disappointment…Doubt and fear have resurfaced and I am questioning my abilities once again. Am I good at anything? Am I making an impact? I know all things work together for my good, but sometimes I struggle with trusting the process regardless of what happens.
• Loneliness…Sometimes I miss companionship. I miss liking someone and having the feeling reciprocated. And this “lack” is amplified because of the abundance of emotions I am experiencing.

Writing the event or thought enabled me to pinpoint why I felt a certain way. This simple exercise allowed me to release my feelings and determine what the source of the emotion or thought is. 

Every day isn’t filled with smiles and happiness. We were created with several emotions. Sometimes we’re angry, hurt, or sad, and that is okay. It comes with being a human being, and it can be handled. It’s like what Mister Rogers said, our emotions become more manageable when we acknowledge them. And managing them starts with identifying them.

Now I have a more focused or specific request when I pray, which I know will enable me to feel even better. I recognize this is a process, and I hope this simple tool that helped me will help you too.

Until the next time be you—but more important—love you.

Being uniquely you is being uniquely beautiful.

-B.B. 💋